The Guilt Sinks In
Early this morning, I’m not sure of the time (between 1am and 3am), Abby came in to our room to tell us that she got a bit scared from a dream or from waking up in the darkness. She went towards Mom first but was then directed towards me. It was dark and while I could see a bit of her silhouette I could not see her entire self. When I reached to pick her up I ended up scraping my finger right across her eyeball. She immediately jerked away but didn’t make a sound. I found a few moments later that she was indeed making a sound, one that was pitched in such a way that human ears could not hear it. I eventually heard the scream and felt the tears on my chest as I plucked her up to lay on my chest. I had to be extra careful because I was feeling so bad that my hug was turning into more of a death squeeze as I tried to comfort both Abby and myself.
I spent way too much time when Abigail was an infant and toddler trying to protect her from herself and it always broke my heart when something as natural as a trip/fall would occur. But none of that compares to having myself be source of her pain. I’m the one who is supposed to save her from peril and ease her pain but this time I was the one inflicting the pain. My brain takes off and wonders how she processes the event. I wonder if she asks herself, “what did I do wrong?”. Or says to herself, “I’m sorry Daddy for whatever I did, I *promise* I won’t do it again”. Abby is just the type to punish herself internally for something that was nowhere near her fault.
Abby’s eye is just fine today and I’ve talked to her about the early morning happenings but the memory causes a nasty ache inside. I hope she’s either young enough or smart enough to chalk this up to the accident it was. Abs: When you read this in 15 years, remember to apply this to your list of potential reasons as to why Dad was a raving lunatic throughout your youth.
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